*Ahem*, I may start this post as *ahem* meaning the *ahem* comes from you because it has been so very long since I have had a meaningful post up! So, this is the ONLY moment where you as the reader can be a tiny bit upset and do the *ahem* thingy, reminding me that I should blog more often! Well, as I have said, this has been the longest break that I have ever taken from my blog, to be honest, it was probably the best decision I made. You see, during these weeks, yes I have posted random posts, although, a post where I really dig into something was probably dated back in September! God has been showing me, teaching me, reproving me, chiseling me, and growing me these past months. I have learned to completely surrender to God and die to myself. Meaning, I am nothing, and without the will and hand of God, I will never be something. It may sound as if I am very confusing, nevertheless, give me a chance to explain and then perhaps you will nod your head saying, "Aha, I understand!"
As we get older, it seems as if life gets only harder. There are times where I am often dazzled and confused with so many things. I was even questioning God about many areas within my life, certain circumstances, and other queer situations. As you know, I even had my doubts and thoughts of discontinuing my blog. To my surprise, I received loving comments from my followers and others who encouraged me. I appreciated each one of them and really didn't know how to thank them. There are two followers on my blog and they really encouraged me with their words, I was actually touched and in that moment I heard God. He was trying to get to me all this time, however, I was to preoccupied that I didn't take the chance to just wait and listen. In the moments when we just give up, that is when God can work. I have given up all of my wants, dreams, and desires, I also have stopped understanding the will of God and just follow. It is so hard because I want what I want, nonetheless, because I know that He works when we are broken, I am willing to do that. God has taught me to rely upon Him for all situations. I have had trouble in the past seeing that, and the consequence caught me to pay for the price. I'm pretty sure many of you are curious about your future. For me, that is one of the hardest things to give up, well I won't lie, the hardest! I want to know what is in store for me, but as of late, I have handed the pen over to God to be the Author of my life. Sometimes it is hard to pray because God feels so far away, nevertheless, there is hope in the horizon, and as I always say, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Whatever hardship I'm going through I may not see the end, but I know that God never gives me something unbearable to handle. I stand amazed in the presence of my Lord, because I know that what He desires of me is something that I cannot fully comprehend at this time, and Him just holding it back from me is not selfish, however, a lesson of pure patience. Boy, I'm a very impatient person, and this is why God is teaching me, showing me, correcting me, and humbling me, because I need an extra dose of patience.
Dreams, we all have those sensations, those desires. I have probably the most dreams anyone could have, and it is important to have plans, BUT God has showed me something more important over the months, "Vanessa, my call is going to be your journey!" Yeah, pretty harsh and hard, nevertheless, it is His desire and love that I give up my selfish wants and hop on His back and follow. My prayers were often crowded with wrong things, things which I wanted, and not what God wanted. It wasn't until one morning, that the Lord awoke me, and literally I heard Him say, "You're mine, you're going to have to listen to me now!" I opened up my prayer journal and to my surprise a few of the prayers which I had in there that were probably too focused on the things of my heart, were gone. Now, that may sound ridiculous to you, but if you know God, then you know exactly what I mean...they were GONE! I knew that it was no longer about me, no longer about Vanessa, the girl who wanted things in order, but about God.
I could go on and on because talking about this change within my heart is something so exciting. Yes, I still fail in many areas, and those areas need to be turned because my heart needs to be completely God's, and if I'm sinning in some part then I'm holding onto something else. So, all of this is a brief explanation of my absence, and of the teachings which God has done through me. The biggest lesson which I have learned is that whatever I want may not be of God, thus I am am a meek child before the great Creator; all what He desires of me is what He will get. I look forward, with much anticipation for His plans, because they will be far better than mine. I am not my own, and my journey on this earth is not mine either. Therefore, this quote has been such an encouragement as well as an eyeopener, "My journey is His calling!"