Saturday, July 31, 2010
I am not capable of explaining all of the excuses I have, or the issues which have raised over the past many months. It has been a few months since I have posted, and at times I would have posted, nevertheless I have had many controversies, and there have been certain situations which have occurred, and it has brought me to say, that I simply cannot post anymore. I am all too confused with my own life, and my own purpose in this world. At times, I feel as if I have left the precious hand of Christ, and at other times, I feel as if I am right beside him. I know that my Savior loves, He lives, and He is always there for me; my God He was, and my God He's always going to be. I have gone down to believing that my purpose will never be revealed. I have been broken and bewildered about so many thoughts and occurrences. I graduated from high school in the mean time and will be turning 18 in 5 days, and am now on to a different road of adventure and opportunities. Nonetheless, at this point in my life, I cannot see God's will for me. I know that He is there, His grace is greater still, and all of my own choices, mean nothing. His arms are open wide for me, and I'm going and coming to Him each and everyday. My shameful scars, the pain I'm holding, is just going all before Jesus, because I know that I can come as I am. I see many of my friends walking with a clear direction. Going where God is leading them; I, on the other hand, am many times confused, I do not see the light, nor the stars shining. All I see is a tunnel full of darkness and yet many questions and answers which need light. I will not say that the past few months have been literally terrible, because I would be lying, I have been having a wonderful summer, with amazing and strong people to guide me and give me the strength and encouragement I need. However, I really wish that God would hear me again, and that He would acknowledge His servant to be torn and worn out. Nonetheless, without further ado, I have come to the conclusion that I will not continue my previous series. Everything from dating, to courtship, to singleness, and to purity, is something I feel that I cannot discuss with many of you anymore, because I do not have the answers to them. Sometimes I feel as if I'm alone, and God has his hand more on others than myself, however I know that those thoughts are from the evil one, and they are trying to corrupt me and bugle me down. It is a choice for me to either rejoice through a time, or to be entirely depressed and worried. This post may seem as if I'm lost in this world, hurt, and worried, yes that may seem the feeling and to be honest with you, I have felt like that, and sometimes still do. Although I have learned that I need to be strong, stronger than ever, so that I will not be thrown into the high waters, and even if I am, God will reveal the mystery to me. I was told that those who go through such hard times will be blessed beyond all measure. Oftentimes others see the clear direction, and doors are being opened. As for those like me, we cannot see the door, or the windows open, however we may struggle, hard or even harder, nevertheless the reward will be precious because we have endured the trials, and He will be faithful and great things will happen. Those words have been a life savior to me. If I'm about to give up, I remind myself on such words, words spoken by a great and wise friend of mine. I have talked to many, and to one great and strong friend who has been with me through it all. My parents have coached and are coaching me. It is the matter that I continue to stand and not give up. Dear friends, please understand this time of life as a test, and not as curse. God will bring His perfect will, won't He? I believe so, and if I have to wait for 1 year, or for 40 years wandering in the desert, than may it be. As long as I have Christ by my side, I can rejoice and live with joy. It is not easy, often desperate, and I pray that God will hear me, and will reach His arms out to me, but as I wait, I will praise Him. Praise in this storm, praise Him while I wait! The Lord is compassionate to those who are faithful to Him. Even though the storms are raging, I will sing His praise. Because He is too great for that too fail! Trials strengthen a person, I always believed that, and now that I'm going through a waiting period, I believe it with more passion! I know that I am loved by the King, by my parents, even when I try my own will, I am loved by my family, even when I disappoint them, and I am loved by my dear friend who is there with me. Sing, because I know that He will restore me!
Posted by Vanessa at Saturday, July 31, 2010