What am I doing here GOD?

Where have I been?

I ask myself that question, and can I answer it...? Yep! I have been busy. Busier than busy. I've had a lot of homework lately, so it's pulling me back from other things I can do. I had a friend ask me last night, "Vanessa, when are you going to get a post up?" I couldn't answer, I just mentioned, "Been busy!"

Well, what should I post about? I got two awards. Both of them from a good friend. I've been debating if I should post them up or not, because I really want to write a post where it'll touch a few of you. I can tell you about my life, all my issues daily, all my struggles, all the hardships, all the joys, yeah what about some positive things for a change!?! :) However, I believe I will post a question and allow y'all to give you answer. Hm, although, what should I ask? I'm pretty skeptical this morning. I'm not so sure what this post should be about. My mind lately isn't here, it's in another world. Going off. I have been in prayer and thoughts more than anything. At times I'll have someone come up and ask, "Hey, are you o.k.?" There's just so much going on, that prayer is the only thing which keeps me up and going. Literally, prayer IS the only thing that allows me to go at times. Sometimes I feel like throwing the towel. Or at times, I just want to get away from this world, take all my loved ones, join hands, and run away from all the problems.

Problems? Struggles? Issues? Hardships? What about happiness? Is there any in my life? Oh, of course there is. There is joy each and everyday. And yet, have you realized, that the negatives will most of the time try to out rule all the positives? Yes, that is often my case. I live in the third largest city in America, this is a very liberal city. The WHOLE America is liberal. Very worldly and dead. Not knowing where to go. I'm just trying to find my way. Asking God to give me all the answers. Because, these roads never end, they just go on, and I want to GO home to my God and I want him to take me out of this world. I may have just got out of balanced. Yes, I am crazy, I'm weird. The way I live my life is considered weird to so many I come across. So many Christians believe that, "God is my Savior (true), now I'm safe (true), and nothing, no hardships will EVER arise (false). " I used to believe this. God is full of compassion, and if I do this sin, and now I realize it he'll forgive me. Yes, very true. And yet, I love to do that particular sin so much, that I'm going to try just doing it once more, in moderation. Well, then you find yourself in it all the way and you once again, "God, I'm sorry!" O.K., we continue this, going on and on. God, I'm soooo sorry. There will come a time where God will HAVE enough. Then what? I find myself telling many this, "Get on your knees, quit your foolish sin, and quit believing GOD is a GOD full of love. He is, and yet HE wants us to realize and quit the sin.

I still find myself complaining too much. Or thinking of certain things WAY too much. I have got burned in this world so much-just like the rest of us. Some more than others. Some of the sins I have committed in the past and I can't even tell some. I'm too ashamed to voice it all. I have changed now, I'm not who I was back then. However, many times I STILL find myself trapped into thinking, "God, why can't these sins get out of my life?" How much longer will you tolerate it? Punish me God! I have got slapped in the head a few times by God (not literally), but he has opened my eyes to all the wrong doings I do and did. He made me realize, that HE IS the Lord. He's the famous one, he's the greatest one! He is pure of all sin. He has made me come to sense that he placed me in the 21st century, whether I always like it or not. I'm not sure if you ever get thoughts of, "I want to just get away from all this WORLDLY, deadly, sinful, disgusting, nasty, place!" If I can't even walk outside to my mailbox without getting attacked, then what use is it? Why am I here God?

I've been wounded in many battles. I have been hurt many times. It sometimes amazes me how GOD still loves me. His love is forever. Through the good and bad. Do I love everyone? Hm, that's a hard one. I like some people more than others. Oh, that's wrong, right? But how can I love everyone in this world? They hate me. Because I'm part of Christ. They despise me. Girls my age make fun of me. God, how can I love them? He carries me through it all. He guides me and always brings me back to reality, and to have the gift of LOVE for everyone. This is what God is teaching me, "Love the person Vanessa, and hate their sin!" Oh, that is SO hard. At times I struggle with, "Why do I have to BE so different?" A beautiful answer comes back, "Because of me, you are free, because of me you have the gift of eternal life, because of me your sins are forgiven! Because you LOVE me and know that your life can't be without ME!" Wow, God, you're so true. Why don't I always see this? Because I'm confused. This world tempts us. It wants us to believe in the lies. To fall down and away. Have I fallen down before? Oh yes. It hurt. It hurt not only me, but my family, my best friend, and my God. Through all this do I have the strength to go on? Yes. Shockingly and yet true, I do. Because God reigns in my life. Just as he always tells me, "You're mine Vanessa, my child, my beloved daughter, and I will carry you through EVERYTHING!"

And it's all because of Jesus that I'm here. Going through the streets of Chicago brings me to him. Going through any store I have by my side, because I need him there most. As I'm getting older, this world will try to wrap itself around me more and more. Trying to choke me within everyone else. Will I accept this? NO! If I wasn't so close to the LORD, then perhaps I would fall in the cracks. But I know that the strings between my God and I are not lose, they are strong. Stronger than strong! I guess I got my post up!

In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:9-10